RUGRATS VULGAR HITS
by Shadowgate
Summary: The Rugrats sing pop songs and it's a disaster.


RUGRATS

THE RUGRATS VULGAR HITS

BY SHADOWGATE

RUGRATS IS OWNED BY NICKELODEON

………………………………………………………………………

**AUTHOR'S NOTES**

**THIS IS MY FIRST RUGRATS FAN FICTION. IT'S RATED 'M' FOR VERY BAD LANGUAGE. IF THAT'S NOT BAD ENOUGH ANGELICA GETS THE LAST LAUGH.**

………………………………………………………………………

Susie: Well today is a wonderful day.

Angelica: I'll bet today is a wonderful day for me. It's a wonderful day because I've discovered my talent in singing.

Susie: Angelica are the grownups around?

Angelica: They're in the backyard why?

Susie: Good hopefully they won't hear what I'm going to say.

Angelica: What are you going to say?

Susie: I'm going to tell you the truth to your face. You can't sing worth a pile of dog shit.

Angelica: How dare you use that language in my face!

Susie: The truth hurts doesn't it?

Angelica: The truth is I can sing. I have a videotape of me singing three of the hottest songs.

Susie: How do I know you didn't just fake it? You know like lip synching?

Angelica: Well I'll show you the tape.

SUSIE AND ANGELICA GO INTO THE LIVING ROOM AND ANGELICA PUTS ON A VIDEOTAPE THAT SHOWS HER SINGING.

Angelica: There I sang "Living on a Prayer" and "Putting on the Ritz" and to top it off "Total Eclipse of the Heart" all on key.

Susie: Well I have to admit that most of the time you were on key.

Angelica: Most of the time?

Susie: Well that still doesn't make you big and special.

Angelica: You think you can top that?

Susie: I bet you I can teach the babies to sing 10 well known songs and they'll sound just as decent as you if not better?

Angelica: 10?

Angelica: I bet they screw up at least three.

Susie: Then let's bet that they'll screw up only two of the ten.

Angelica: Wow three out of 10! Good odds for me. So what's at stake?

Susie: The loser has to be the winner's slave for a month. That means fetching them juice or cookies or turning on the television for them.

Angelica: Yes I know what it means and there's no way in the name of hell you can win.

Susie: Oh well I'm so confident I can pull it off.

Angelica: You're so cocky but you won't pull it off.

Susie: I kick your ass all the time Angelica.

Angelica: Well those babies won't pull this off. They didn't pull it off at the lunch meeting, REMEMBER?

Susie: Well getting them to sing should be much easier than getting them to dress like grownups.

Angelica: Is the bet on?

Susie: The bet is officially on.

SUSIE STORMS OFF TO ROUND UP THE BABIES

Susie: Tommy

Susie: Chuckie

PHIL AND LIL POP THEIR HEADS UP FROM BEHIND A COUCH AND TOMMY COMES RUNNING INSIDE RIDING ON TOP OF SPIKE.

Tommy: Hey Susie

Susie: Hey where's Chuckie?

Tommy: We buried him in the sandbox.

Susie: Well dig him up because we have something very exciting to do.

Phil: Are we going to attach rocket propellers to Spike?

Susie: Well not quite that exciting.

THE WHOLE GANG GOES OUT TO GET CHUCKIE AND THEY CONVENE IN TOMMY'S BEDROOM.

Susie: Alright we're going to sing some of the all time greatest songs and videotape ourselves.

Phil: What songs?

Susie: Let me pass out music sheets.

THE MUSIC SHEETS SHOW THE FOLLOWING SONG LISTS.

**SWEET CAROLINE**

**LIKE A PRAYER**

**JEAVEN IS A PLACE ON EARTH**

**HANGING TOUGH**

**DOCTOR FEELGOOD**

**LOSING MY RELIGION**

**SWEET CHILD O'MINE**

**I JUST DIED IN YOUR ARMS TONIGHT**

**YOU'VE LOST THAT LOVE AND FEELING**

**VENUS**

Tommy: I can't read this.

Susie: Oh well to pass out lists of the songs at a big performance is a formality. I'll play the songs on my MP3 and you all can memorize the words.

SUSIE SPENDS 30 MINUTES GETTING THE BABIES TO LISTEN TO ALL THE SONGS AND MEMORIZE THE LYRICS.

Susie: Everyone stand up on the bed while I get the camera rolling.

SUSIE LOOKS THROUGH THE CAMERA LENS AT LIL, PHIL, TOMMY AND CHUCKIE.

Susie: Alright let's start singing.

THE BABIES START SINGING SWEET CAROLINE.

Where it began, I can't begin to know when  
But then I know it's growing strong  
Oh, wasn't the spring, whooo  
And spring became the summer  
Who'd believe you'd come along

Hands, touching hands, reaching out  
Touching me, touching you  
Oh, sweet Caroline  
Good times never seem so good  
I've been inclined to believe it never would

TOMMY SOLO

And now I, I look at the night, whooo  
And it don't seem so lonely  
We fill it up with only two, oh  
And when I hurt  
Hurting runs off my shoulder  
How can I hurt when holding you

Oh, one, touching one, reaching out  
Touching me, touching you  
Oh, sweet Caroline  
Good times never seem so good  
Oh I've been inclined to believe it never would

Ohhh, sweet Caroline, good times never seem so good

Susie: Way to go that was well sung.

Susie: Alright the next song is a classic by Madonna and it's called Like A Prayer.

Life is a mystery  
Everyone must stand alone  
I heard you call my name  
And it feels like home

chorus:

When you call my name, it's like a little prayer  
I'm down on my knees, I wanna take you there  
In the midnight hour, I can feel your power  
Just like a prayer, you know I'll take you there

I hear your voice, it's like an angel sighing

I have no choice, I hear your voice  
Feels like flying  
I close my eyes, Oh God I think I'm falling  
Out of the sky, I close my eyes  
Heaven help me

(chorus)

Like a child you whisper softly to me  
You're in control just like a child  
Now I'm dancing  
It's like a dream, no end and no beginning  
You're here with me, it's like a dream  
Let the choir sing

LIL SOLO

Just like a prayer, your voice can take me there  
Just like a muse to me, you are a mystery  
Just like a dream, you are not what you seem  
Just like a prayer, no choice your voice can take me there

Just like a prayer, I'll take you there  
It's like a dream to me

Susie: Way to go Lillian you just might very well be the next Madonna.

Susie: Alright we're moving right along. The next song Phil you get to sing a solo.

Phil: Okay

Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth?  
Ooh heaven is a place on earth,  
They say in heaven love comes first  
We'll make heaven a place on earth  
Ooh heaven is a place on earth

When the night falls down  
I wait for you  
And you come around  
And the world's alive  
With the sound of kids  
On the street outside

When you walk into the room  
You pull me close and we start to move  
And we're spinning with the stars above  
And you lift me up in a wave of love...

Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth ?  
Ooh heaven is a place on earth,  
They say in heaven love comes first  
We'll make heaven a place on earth  
Ooh heaven is a place on earth

When I feel alone  
I reach for you  
And you bring me home  
When I'm lost at sea  
I hear your voice  
And it carries me

In this world we're just beginning  
To understand the miracle of living  
Baby I was afraid before  
But I'm not afraid anymore

Phil Solo: Oh baby did you look up Lil's skirt? The sight is so ugly it should have no place on earth.

Susie: Phillip!

Susie: Cut

Lil: Phillip that's not funny at all.

Phil: I thought it was.

Lil: Goddamn it what the fuck do you think is so funny about that?

TOMMY AND CHUCKIE ARE IN AWE OVER WHAT LIL JUST SAID.

Phil: Hey it was just a joke.

PHIL GETS SCARED.

Lil: YOU THINK THIS BULLSHIT IS FUNNY GODDAMN IT! I SHOULD BREAK YOUR MOTHERFUCKING NECK.

Susie: Lil calm down.

Phil: Damn Lil

Lil: Don't you damn me you fucking loser. I'll kick that filthy diaper right off your ass.

Susie: Hey!

Lil: I can't believe I shared a womb with a piece of shit like you.

LIL JUMPS ON PHIL AND TOMMY AND CHUCKIE PULL HER OFF.

Susie: ENOUGH

Susie: PHIL AND LIL YOU BOTH SIT IN TIME OUT FOR 20 MINUTES NOW!!

PHIL AND LIL WERE BOTH SCARED BECAUSE THEY'D NEVER SEEN SUSIE SO MAD. 20 MINUTES LATER PHIL AND LIL MADE UP THE BABIES GOT BACK TO THEIR SINGING ROUTINE.

Tommy: What song do we get to sing next?

Susie: Hanging Tough by the New Kids on the Block.

Tommy: Yesterday I heard some big kids across the street say that the New Kids are faggots.

Chuckie: Ugh faggots are scary. They touch children in the no-no spots.

Tommy: We better not sing that song.

Susie: Give me a moment.

SUSIE STEPS OUTSIDE TOMMY'S BEDROOM TO BREATHE AND GET HER CONCENTRATION BACK. BUT AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT THE ENEMY APPROACHED.

Angelica: Two songs down and if one more goes wrong you're my slave for a week.

Susie: Well we'll just see about that.

Angelica: I've never seen Phil and Lil fight like that.

Susie: Me neither

Angelica: You're not going to make it.

Susie: Bitch yes I will.

Angelica: You'll kiss my ass like a little bitch.

SUSIE BEGAN GRINDING HER TEETH WITH RAGE.

Susie: Fuck you!

ANGELICA SITS BY THE DOOR TO WATCH.

Angelica: I'll hang around here to make sure you don't fuck with the camera. I don't want any cheating. I can see the camera from here and I know you've kept it rolling thus far. No cheating!

Susie: Cheating is your department.

Angelica: Ouch my you talk tough.

Susie: You stuck up bitch. I'll tear you to shreds.

SUSIE WALKS BACK INTO THE BEDROOM AND ANGELICA JUST LAUGHS.

Susie: Okay everyone we'll skip the New Kids song.

Susie: I know a song that you boys would like. It's a song that has made so many feel good. The song is called Doctor Feelgood.

Chuckie: Oh I get to do a solo this time.

"DR. FEELGOOD"

RAT TAILED JIMMY IS A SECOND HAND HOOD  
HE DEALS OUT IN HOLLYWOOD  
GOT A '65 CHEVY, PRIMERED FLAMES  
TRADED FOR SOME POWDERED GOODS  
JIGSAW JIMMY HE'S RUNNIN' A GANG  
BUT I HEAR HE'S DOIN' O.K.  
GOT A COZY LITTLE JOB, SELLS THE  
MEXICAN MOB  
PACKAGES OF CANDYCAINE

HE'S THE ONE THEY CALL DR.FEELGOOD  
HE'S THEONE THAT MAKES YA FEEL ALRIGHT  
HE'S THE ONE THEY CALL DR.FEELGOOD

COPS ON THE CORNER ALWAYS IGNORE  
SOMEBODY'S GETTING PAID  
JIMMY'S GOT IT WIRED, LAW'S FOR HIRE  
GOT IT MADE IN THE SHADE  
GOT A LITTLE HIDEAWAY, DOES BUSINESS ALL DAY  
BUT AT NIGHT HE'LL ALWAYS BE FOUND  
SELLING SUGAR TO THE SWEET  
PEOPLE ON THE STREET  
CALL THIS JIMMI'S TOWN

HE'S THE ONE THEY CALL DR.FEELGOOD  
HE'S THEONE THAT MAKES YA FEEL ALRIGHT  
HE'S THE ONE THEY CALL DR.FEELGOOD  
HE'S GONNA BE YOUR FRANKENSTEIN

CHUCKIE SOLO

I'VE GOT ONE THING YOU'LL UNDERSTAND  
HE'S NOT WHAT YOU'D CALL A GLAMOROUS MAN  
GOT ONE THING THAT'S EASILY UNDERSTOOD  
HE'S THE ONE THEY CALL DR.FEELGOOD

HE'LL TELL YOU HE'S THE KING  
OF THESE BARRIO STREETS  
MOVING UP TO SHANGRI-LA  
CAME BY HIS WEALTH AS A MATTER OF LUCK  
SAYS HE NEVER BROKE NO LAW  
TWO TIME LOSER RUNNING OUT OF JUICE  
TIME TO MOVE OUT QUICK  
HEARD A ROMOUR GOING ROUND  
JIMMY'S GOING DOWN  
THIS TIME IT'S GONNA STICK

HE'S THE ONE THEY CALL DR.FEELGOOD  
HE'S THEONE THAT MAKES YA FEEL ALRIGHT  
HE'S THE ONE THEY CALL DR.FEELGOOD  
HE'S GONNA BE YOUR FRANKENSTEIN

LET HIM SOOTHE YOUR SOUL, JUST TAKE HIS HAND  
SOME PEOPLE CALL HIM AN EVIL MAN  
LET HIM INTRODUCE HIMSELF REALGOOD  
HE'S THE ONE THEY CALL "DR.FEELGOOD"

Susie: Way to go!

ANGELICA WATCHES AND IS QUITE ANNOYED BY THE COMEBACK.

Susie: Now let's move on to "Losing My Religion" by REM.

Life is bigger  
It's bigger than you  
And you are not me  
The lengths that I will go to  
The distance in your eyes  
Oh no I've said too much  
I set it up

TOMMY SOLO

That's me in the corner  
That's me in the spotlight  
Losing my religion  
Trying to keep up with you  
And I don't know if I can do it  
Oh no I've said too much  
I haven't said enough  
I thought that I heard you laughing  
I thought that I heard you sing  
I think I thought I saw you try

Every whisper  
Of every waking hour I'm  
Choosing my confessions  
Trying to keep an eye on you  
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool  
Oh no I've said too much  
I set it up

Consider this  
The hint of the century  
Consider this  
The slip that brought me  
To my knees failed  
What if all these fantasies  
Come flailing around  
Now I've said too much  
I thought that I heard you laughing  
I thought that I heard you sing  
I think I thought I saw you try

But that was just a dream  
That was just a dream

Susie: Well done that's a rap.

ANGELICA STARTS TO SHAKE BY THE SUCCESS OF YET ANOTHER SONG.

Susie: Now let's do the legendary rock ballad Sweet Child O'Mine.

She's got a smile that it seems to me  
Reminds me of childhood memories  
Where everything  
Was as fresh as the bright blue sky  
Now and then when I see her face  
She takes me away to that  
special place  
And if I stared too long  
I'd probably break down and cry

Sweet child o' mine  
Sweet love of mine

She's got eyes of the bluest skies  
As if they thought of rain  
I hate to look into those eyes  
And see an ounce of pain  
Her hair reminds me  
of a warm safe place  
Where as a child I'd hide  
And pray for the thunder  
And the rain  
To quietly pass me by

Sweet child o' mine  
Sweet love of mine

Where do we go  
Where do we go now  
Where do we go  
Sweet child o' mine

THE BABIES HIT OFF THE 1987 CLASSIC GUNS N ROSES SONG SO WELL ANGELICA RUSHED TO THE KITCHEN TO GET WATER.

Didi: Angelica are you okay?

Susie: She's fine Aunt Didi we were just playing a very heated game of hide and seek.

Didi: Maybe you all should slow down you both look awfully hot.

THE BABIES COME HUSTLING IN THE KITCHEN TO GET JUICE BOXES.

Stu: Hey Didi where's my screwdriver?

Didi: I don't know Stu but right now I'm worried about the kids. They are all sweaty.

Stu: That's good for them. They need to burn the baby fat.

Didi: I guess.

DIDI GOES BACK INTO THE BACKYARD TO HELP STU.

Chuckie: Tommy why is it your dad can never find his screwdriver?

TOMMY CHUCKS HIS JUICE PACK IN ONE GULP AND LOOKS OVER AT CHUCKIE.

Tommy: Well I don't know but he better find it because he always has a few screws loose.

Susie: Alright we have just three songs left and after that we'll have um, we'll have a very nice video to watch.

THE BABIES HEAD BACK UPSTAIRS.

Angelica: You arrogant bitch.

Susie: Tell you what if you want to pull out of the bet I'll agree to it.

Angelica: Three songs to go and if they fuck up just one I win.

Susie: Now who's getting cocky? A minute ago you were scared.

Angelica: I still have hope.

Susie: False hope bitch.

SUSIE WALKS UP TO TOMMY'S BEDROOM.

Susie: The next song is a one hit wonder.

(I Just) Died In Your Arms Tonight - Cutting Crew

I keep looking for something I can't get  
Broken hearts lie all around me  
And I don't see an easy way out of this  
Her diary, it sits on the bedside table  
The curtains are closed, the cat's in the cradle  
Who would've thought that a boy like me could come to this

TOMMY SOLO

CHORUS:  
Oh, I just died in your arms tonight  
It must've been something you said,  
I just died in your arms tonight  
Oh, I just died in your arms tonight  
It must've been some kind of kiss  
I should've walked away, I should've walked away

Is there any just cause for feeling like this  
On the surface I'm a name on a list  
I try to be discreet, but then blow it again  
I've lost and found, it's my final mistake  
She's loving by proxy, no give and all take  
'Cause I've been thrilled to fantasy one too many times

CHORUS

It was a long hot night  
She made it easy, she made it feel right  
But now it's over, the moment is gone  
I followed my hands, not my head,  
I know I was wrong

CHORUS

Susie: Alright the next song is a big hit about lost love. It's a big long one but I think Phil and Lil would do great singing the solo if they can work together.

Lil: We can.

Phil: For just this one song.

You never close your eyes anymore  
when I kiss your lips  
And there's no tenderness like  
before in your finger tips  
You're trying hard not to show it  
But baby, baby I know it  
You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling  
Oh that Lovin' Feeling  
You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling  
Now it's gone gone gone oh oh oh  
There's no welcome look in your

eyes when I reach for you  
And girl you're starting to  
criticize little things I do  
Ooh, it makes me just feel like crying (baby)  
'Cause baby something beautiful's dying

PHIL AND LIL SING SOLO

You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling  
Oh that Lovin' Feeling  
You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling  
Not it's gone gone gone oh oh oh  
Baby baby I get down on my knees for you  
If you would only love me like you used to  
(If you would only love me love me)  
We had a love, a love that you  
don't find everyday  
(A love you don't find)  
So don't don't don't let it slip away (away)

So don't don't don't let it slip away (away)  
I said baby

Baby  
Baby  
Baby  
I need your love (I need your love)  
I need your love  
So bring it on back (bring it on back)  
Now bring it on back  
Now bring it on back  
You've got to bring back that lovin' feeling  
Oh that lovin' feeling  
Bring back that lovin' feeling  
'cause it's gone gone gone  
oh oh oh

Bring back that lovin' feeling  
Oh that lovin' feeling  
Bring back that lovin' feeling  
'cause it's gone gone gone  
Bring back that lovin' feeling  
Oh that lovin' feeling  
Bring back that lovin' feeling  
'cause it's gone gone gone  
Bring back that lovin' feeling  
Oh that lovin' feeling  
Bring back that lovin' feeling  
'cause it's gone gone gone

Susie: That was marvelous.

Susie: This is the last song and it's called Venus.

Chuckie: Oh like the planet?

Susie: Well not exactly.

Tommy: Well let's hit it, can I sing another solo?

Susie: Of course Tommy.

Tommy: I'm on a roll.

Susie: Yes you are (staring back at Angelica) and I'm sure you're going to make a grand finale.

Susie: Now a 1, 2, a 1, 2, 3 and hit it.

A Goddess on a mountain top  
Was burning like a silver flame  
The summit of Beauty in love  
And Venus was her name

REFRAIN:  
She's got it yeah, Baby, she's got it  
Well, I'm your Venus, I'm your fire  
At your desire

Her weapon were her crystal eyes  
Making every man mad  
Black as the dark night she was  
Got what no-one else had

REFRAIN

She's got it yeah, Baby, she's got it

Tommy Solo Well I'm your penis

Susie: Cut

ANGELICA BUSTS IN LAUGHING.

Angelica: That's it I won this fucking bet.

Phil: What bet?

Angelica: Susie thought you dumb babies would mess up only two songs but you messed up three so I win. Susie is my slave for a month.

Susie: GODDAMN IT!!

THE BABIES ALL LOOK UPSET.

Lil: We're sorry we let you down Susie.

Angelica: How retarded can you get? "I'm your penis!" Holy shit

Chuckie: Way to go Tommy using an awful word and getting Susie in trouble.

Tommy: CHUCKIE FINSTER SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Chuckie: How dare you?

TOMMY STARTS PRANCING AROUND AND SAYS "I'M CHUCKIE FINSTER AND I DON'T USE BAD WORDS BECAUSE I'M A GOODY TWO-SHOES."

Chuckie: I'll bet that I'm just brave enough to whoop your ass.

Tommy: You bring it on daddy's boy.

Chuckie: You backstabbing asshole.

CHUCKIE AND TOMMY START TO FIGHT AND LAMPS ARE THROWN ACROSS THE ROOM.

Susie: TOMMY!

Susie: CHUCKIE!

Susie: STOP!

Didi: What's going on in here?

STU AND DIDI SEPARATE ALL THE BABIES.

24 HOURS LATER

Lil: I can't believe we failed.

Phil: I wish she had told us then we would have tried harder.

Tommy: Obviously we all had tension we needed to work out.

Chuckie: We sure did. I'm sorry Tommy.

Tommy: I'm sorry to. I didn't mean all those terrible things I said.

Chuckie: Me neither I'm sorry I blamed screamed at you.

Phil: I'm sorry I joked about looking up your skirt.

Lil: I'm sorry I attacked you.

Susie: I'm sorry I made a bet with a challenge that was just too much.

Angelica: I'm sorry for nothing at all. (LAUGHING)

THE END


End file.
